


Heaven Waits

by IdrilsSecret



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 22:26:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3545990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdrilsSecret/pseuds/IdrilsSecret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean reminisces about the first time he and Castiel kissed. Dean wonders, if he had reacted differently, would certain events not have occurred?  Cas helps him realize that some things were just meant to happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven Waits

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot follows Bridging the Past, but can be read at a stand alone.

Cas laid next to me, eyes closed but not asleep. He was tired, I could tell, but not even exhaustion would let an angel sleep. Instead, he went into a kind of trance, as though he was half way between earth and heaven. It’s what he would do to recharge his energy, and while he was in that state, he was very still and silent, almost not even breathing. I’d seen him like this once before, when he was severely injured, and he needed time to heal. This time he was not hurt. It had just been a long and stressful day, a few close calls for both of us, and he had used his energy to protect me. So I put him to bed and laid down next to him to let my own batteries recharge.

It’s funny, but when I thought I couldn’t go another step or keep my eyes open another moment, I couldn’t sleep either. I was beyond exhaustion, as though my body said, why stop now, might as well keep going. So, I laid there in the dark, the warmth of Cas next to me as comforting as a blanket pulled fresh from the dryer, and let my mind wander to places it hadn’t visited in a long time. I thought about the first time Cas revealed his feelings towards me.

* * * * *

It was during an exceptionally tumultuous time. Sam and I were trying to stop the Apocalypse. We were being hunted by demons and angels alike. The things we might have to do to stop the world from ending might result in either of our deaths or both, and as usual, I was doing everything in my power to keep my brother from being the one to die.

Cas had rebelled against heaven and his duties, and was being chased too. Seems like he always had someone trying to send him back home, but when they found out that he was teaming up with me and Sam, that really burned their balls.

I’d known Cas for more than a year, and he made a good ally. We had teamed up several times, and we worked well together. It was during this ‘honeymoon stage’ that I realized I was beginning to have feelings for him. I knew it was wrong, and I never revealed these urges to anyone, but especially not Cas. Perhaps it was from working closely with him, watching him transform from heaven’s soldier to an independent angel. Observing this change was thrilling. He was like a newborn babe. Everything was new to him, and he sponged up every little emotion, studying it like it was a precious jewel. The look in his eyes when certain things caught his attention or when he connected the dots, so to say, was priceless. I felt very privileged to be able to see this, and I enjoyed sharing those moments with him. I could see him changing right before my eyes. It was beautiful.

Up until I met Cas, I never felt myself very worthy of anything. I was almost robotic in my routine, as though I was just following along until I could check out of this world. My past revealed much heartache, so much so that I closed myself down. I only opened up to Sam, and only when necessary. It helped, but it was never enough.

And then Cas came along, saving me from hell, setting me on my projected path. He was the one who helped me realize that I was important, that what I did was not just to help others. He made me see that I had purpose in this life, and that whatever happened in my past, as tragic as it had been, helped to shape me into the man I was today. It was during this time I started to realize that I … needed him. But as life would have it, I kept my thoughts and my emotions to myself, and Cas and I bonded as friends. Besides, it was ridiculous to think anything could come from these one sided sentiments. After all, Cas wasn’t even human. It could never work. It wasn’t meant to work. I bottled up my feelings, thinking they were just residual. Cas kind of reminded me of someone, Aiden, who I loved, who I watched turn into a monster, and who eventually I had to destroy. Cas didn’t look like him, but he had the same sort of innocence about him, like he was pulled into this life by outside forces. It was too disturbing to think about, and another reason I kept my distance and stayed friends with Cas. And it was good. It worked. I was able to tone down any kind of heartfelt emotions towards him … but I couldn’t completely forget.

Most of the time, Cas and I worked together on the latest challenge. He gave me information that helped me decide what to do and how to do it. He had his own mission to deal with, something he said he believed was the only way for us to deal with our enemy. So we were all working this Apocalypse thing from different angles. It was a professional relationship, nothing more. Still … every once in a while, I’d catch him stealing a glance, or I’d see a shadow of something more pass over his eyes and then disappear. I never could quite put my finger on it, but it was enough to keep me curious, to keep those underlying tendencies active. I could hope, at least, if nothing more. I was sure there was nothing more. Cas was an angel. He looked at people differently. It didn’t mean he was thinking the same things that I was, or feeling the same needs. I was a fool to even wish it.

And so, the mysteries were unraveling. We were figuring out what needed to be done to win this war. It wasn’t going to be easy, and one major factor came into play. Cas needed to capture and interrogate an archangel. Like tampering with a time bomb, it was very dangerous what he had to do. Not only that, he might not come out of it alive. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me, but I kept my personal feelings buried. I couldn’t afford to go through anything like what I’d gone through with Aiden. It would destroy me to know that someone else I cared about died trying to help me. Once again, I shut down, closed the gates and left the personal feelings out of it. Cas was a friend, a battle mate, my strongest ally in all of this. I didn’t want to lose him, but if that’s the way it had to be, then so be it. I’d miss him, but at least I’d know he died helping our cause, and I’d have no emotional ties. I was stupid to think I believed any of this.

It was the night before the big meeting. We’d found out where the archangel was, drove to our destination, and prepared to visit him the next day. I found an abandoned house to crash at, and I’d been out picking up some food and beer. I came back to find Cas sitting at the table in the dark. I grabbed a beer and sat down with him. We talked about the small things for a minute, but I could tell there was something more he needed to say.

“So, uh, Cas … you really think things might turn out badly for you?” I asked cautiously.

“The odds are not on my side when all this is over. You don’t just capture an archangel, demand answers and expect to walk away unharmed. But I need to know that I’m not alone in my decisions. I need to know that God is still there, and that he cares. If I can find him, I know he will be able to stop Lucifer from taking Sam as his vessel, and Michael from taking you as his. And if that happens, then the Apocalypse cannot happen,” he explained.

And that was the reason Cas asked me to help him. We were capturing the archangel, Raphael, who would undoubtedly be very pissed. Cas said no matter what happened, Raphael wouldn’t harm me because I was a vessel. Cas, on the other hand, might end up paying for the archangel’s rage. I would do everything within my power to keep that from happening, but I didn’t think that power went very far. I was out of my league with this one.

“Geez, Cas, so this might be your last night on earth,” I said solemnly. I should tell him, my conscience kept urging. If he wasn’t going to be here much longer, then what was the harm in telling him my feelings towards him? I thought it was better not to come right out with it, but to hint around first. ‘So, what will you do then?”

“Just sit here and wait, I suppose,” he answered. He glanced at me quickly, then turned back to the window.

“Isn’t there something you want to do, something you want to see … or … experience?” I asked.

He opened his mouth as if to speak, and then seemed to think better of it. Cas was behaving peculiarly, and a bit nervous in his demeanor. “I … I … well, what would you do if you knew it was your last night?”

“I don’t know … maybe … uh, maybe … find someone to share it with,” I stammered.

“You’re here, so I am spending it with someone,” he said matter-of-factly.

He wasn’t giving me a lot to go on. I’d have to be a little more specific with Cas. “When I say share, I mean to be with someone in more ways than just hanging out and talking, if you know what I mean.”

He gave me that one of a kind confused look that he was so good at, with his brows furrowed, and eyes darting back and forth as though the answer would start flashing like a neon sign. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

Well, so much for subtlety. How could he not know? And then it dawned on me. He didn’t know because . . . “Cas, are you a … virgin?”

It was a good thing the room was dark, because I was pretty sure he turned three shades of red just then. He shuffled in his chair, and fumbled with a notebook laying on the table. Suddenly, he couldn’t look at me, and he seemed like he wished to crawl under the table and disappear.

“It’s alright if you are. There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I assured him.

“In heaven, angels don’t … participate in such activities.”

“Ok, but you’re not in heaven, and I’m pretty sure your vessel has all the equipment he needs to partake in said activities,” I hinted. “I could … help you with that, if you’re interested.”

“You mean you would introduce me to a woman?”

Well, I was hoping he’d want me to be his mentor for the night, but I guess I was wrong about what he might be feeling towards me.

“There must be some place around here that–”

He interrupted me quickly. “Oh, w-well … I-I don’t k-know–”

“Come on,” I told him, picking up my keys from the table.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Friends don’t let friends die a virgin. We’re gonna pop that cherry,” I teased, but he looked like I was marching him off to the gas chambers.

“Oh, I don’t know, Dean. I–”

“I won’t take no for an answer. Consider this a rite of passage. You’re on earth. In theory, you’re human. And you’re my best friend. That gives me the right to take you out, hook you up and get you laid.” I ignored the rest of his complaining and excuses, and we drove out in search of a respectable place. It didn’t take long, and it looked pretty good from the outside. This would have to do.

Cas and I walked in and took a seat in a booth. A waitress came by and I ordered drinks. Cas refused, but I told him he needed it to take the nervous edge off of him. He did as I said, and finished his drink in one gulp. It didn’t do anything to relax him, so I ordered another round. While we were waiting, one of the scandalously clad working girls came up to us. She gravitated towards me first, but I quickly explained that I was only there for mental support. Her attention went directly to Cas, and she started flirting relentlessly. Cas was so nervous, I had to laugh. I could see why. She was a pretty blond, perky, enthusiastic. I thought it was a good match, and Cas would have the time of his earthly life. Of course, he dug his heels in, and I had to give him a shove, but he finally went with her. Just before he disappeared in the back, he looked over his shoulder at me, pleading with his eyes not to have to do this. For a split second, I wondered if I made the wrong decision, but the thought flicked out of my mind quickly.

I ordered another drink and sat back in the booth. Every girl that passed by my table gave me their most winning smile and a wink. To me it was a game. I liked to flirt with women, watch them get flustered. It was easy for me because I knew the outcome … there wouldn’t be one. But now I was more or less on their territory. Honestly, I’d only been in a place like this once, supporting a buddy of mine when I was younger. It was his first time, and he’d saved up all of his money from the pizza place where he worked to make his dream come true. It was easy to avoid those women back then. I was pretty young and I had no money, so they left me to myself while I waited for my friend. Now, though, it was a different story. Women were drawn to me, and I thought some of these working ladies might even give it away for free had I been interested and broke. I kept up my charade and they left me to my own until an exotic beauty came over and sat down in the seat across from me. She had dark wavy hair that flowed down almost to her rear, and a very shapely rear it was. She had dark skin like a Latin lover, brown eyes, long sweeping lashes, and she wore a red barely there baby doll lace nighty, breasts sitting up big and round.

“I’ve been watching you,” she said with a definite Latin accent. “My girls have been trying to gain your attention all night, and yet here you sit, taking up space.”

She must have been the proprietor, and she noticed I hadn’t spent money on anything besides drinks. I held up my glass and smiled. “I’m a paying customer, see?”

“You can drink at the bar down the road.” She leaned across the table, her breasts almost falling out. “You’re a disturbance to my staff. They all want you to themselves, but you ignore them.”

“Actually, I’ve brought my friend. He’s in the back with Chastity. I’m just waiting for him,” I smiled.

“Then why not have a little fun of your own while you wait?” Her fingers dipped into her cleavage.

I could see she wasn’t going to let me off easy or leave me alone. “Well, here’s the thing. My friend is a rare case, and your girl is helping him … come into his own. He was a little freaked out, and I thought it best to be here when he finished, which might not take long.”

The lady in red sat back and eyed me from across the table. She lifted her head, pointing at me with her chin, her cat like eyes narrowing on me. “I see,” she said, judging. Then she tsk’d and shook her head. “Such a shame. I bet you’d make an incredible lover, if you played for our team.”

What was it about some women that they could see through my disguise? I threw my hands up in surrender. “Ok, you got me, but I really am supporting my friend.”

Now that she knew my game, she stopped flashing me with her breasts. “You know, I’ve often wondered if I should expand my business. Let me ask you, if I had … services available to you, would you participate then?”

I laughed nervously and palmed the back of my neck, feeling heat rising up and spreading to my face. “Uh … well, to tell you the truth, I’ve done pretty well on my own without assistance from someone such as you’re speaking of.”

“I’m sure you do, gorgeous, but even a handsome man like you must have needs from time to time when there is no one there to fulfill them.”

I looked down and away from her. I didn’t like the way she was trying to read me. Actually, I hadn’t been with anyone in a while. I had in fact been to places similar to this, but with a male staff. After Aiden died, I was alone for a very long time, and when I felt ready to jump back in, I was far from starting a new relationship with anyone. A one night stand wasn’t always available, but there was always a place like this somewhere. I didn’t really like to remember it. I was in a dark place back then, before I met Cas and started to discover my self-worth again. I still wasn’t completely there, and questioned myself a lot. Cas was the one person who kept me from falling back into the abyss.

“I do ok on my own,” I finally answered. I unknowingly glanced down the hall.

She looked over her shoulder, following my line of sight towards the back where the business took place, and then back to me. “Ahh,” she sang. “I see the problem here. You’ve got it bad for your friend, is that it? You like him, but he is not like you, and now he is back there.”

There might have been a bit of truth to her analysis. “He doesn’t … play for my team,” I smiled and she laughed.

“A sad story for sure.” She leaned towards me again. “You know, I have a couple girls who will let you do things that men such as yourself like to do, if you catch my meaning.”

That’s not actually how it worked, and I was about to kindly turn down her offer when suddenly a loud scream came from the back. I jumped up and ran out of instinct before I knew what was happening. Chastity, the girl supposed to deflower Cas, was running up the hall towards me, crying, her makeup running down her pretty face, and screaming incoherently. Cas popped out of the room they’d been in, his trench coat draped over his arm, tie hanging loosely about his neck, his belt unbuckled, and the first few buttons of his shirt undone.

“It’s not your fault,” he was calling after her, making the girl cry even louder.

Chastity stopped in front of me, gave me one look and screamed, pushed me out of the way, and continued running away from the scene.

“Cas, what the hell?” I called down the hall, and started towards him. His mouth flopped open and closed like a goldfish.

“What is going on here?” asked the woman in red, who was behind me. She grabbed my arm and swung me around. “Why do you come in here, bringing your ‘friend’,” she said putting emphasis on the word. Her Latin accent was very strong, the r’s rolling off her tongue. “You,” she pointed to Cas. “What did you do to my girl?”

“Nothing, ma’am. We were just talking and–” He didn’t get to finish explaining before she spun around to me.

“And you … you don’t even belong here,” she scolded me. “Both of you out of my establishment.”

“I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for–” I started, trying to calm everyone down.

“Antonio!” the lady in red called, and a very large, very angry bouncer appeared behind her. “Throw them out!” she demanded.

Antonio looked like he hadn’t thrown anyone anywhere in a while, and he was looking forward to doing his job, and doing it well. He came stomping towards me. I could have gone left or right, and made my way to the front door, but Cas was still half way down the hallway where all the private rooms were. I could see an exit sign glowing at the end, and knew it was our only way out. So I took off down the hall, and grabbed Cas’ arm, pulling him along with me. “Run!” I told him.

His coat fell from his arm, and he tried to resist me, to go back for it, but Antonio wasn’t far behind, as he galumphed like an ogre towards us. “Leave it, Cas. Just run!” I commanded.

“You’re a sick, sick bastard,” I heard Chastity yell from somewhere farther away.

Cas called out over his shoulder. “I’m sorry if I–”

“Shut up and just run,” I said again.

Finally, we were at the end of the hall. I pushed on the bar of the door, hoping it wasn’t locked. It wasn’t and we burst out into the cool night air, finding ourselves in an alley. I almost tripped over a garbage can, but Cas caught me. My arm involuntarily went around his waist to steady myself, and I couldn’t help but notice the slim firmness of his body. There was a hidden strength about him that I’d never known before. He seemed to hold me up as though I was as light as a feather. I righted myself and let go, but the feel of him in my arms left a ghostly impression upon me. We stopped to catch our breath.

“My coat,” he said sadly.

It struck me as funny that he’d say that. Here we were about to get our asses kicked by Bluto, and all he cared about was that damn coat. Just then, the back door burst open, and there was Antonio silhouetted in the light that spilled out into the dark alley. Right on cue, he threw Cas’ coat, and it landed in a murky puddle of everything nasty that you’d find in an alley. I watched him and took hold of Cas’ arm, just in case Antonio decided to chase us again. He didn’t. “You two perverts come back here again, and I’ll beat your asses,” he warned, and went back inside, closing the door behind him. Cas and I were plunged into darkness. The only light came from a streetlight at the end of the alley.

I looked at the coat soaking up the horrible mixture of the puddle, and heard Cas moan for the loss of his constant companion. Then I started laughing uncontrollably as I went back to retrieve the befouled piece of clothing. Luckily, I saw a plastic grocery bag and shoved the disgusting thing into it, and then headed back to Cas.

He looked at the bag, staring at it like a lost puppy. I started laughing again, and his eyes rolled up to look at me. “I don’t understand what is so funny,” he said irritated.

“Oh man,” I cried, catching my breath. “Cas, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a long time.”

“You consider this fun?” He sounded disgusted.

“It’s spontaneity. You know, doing something on a whim, letting the moment take you wherever it wants,” I explained.

“I’ve never been a very spontaneous kind of person. In heaven, everything is calculated. You have orders and you follow them.” He paused and thought about that for a moment. “I think I can see why you think this is fun.”

“Exactly,” I said with enthusiasm as we started making our way out of the alley and back to the car. “If you knew any of this was going to happen tonight, would you have done it?”

He thought seriously about that and shook his head. “No, I don’t guess I would have.”

“What the hell did you do to that girl anyways?” I asked curiously.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well, if I was going to have sexual relations with her, it only seemed right that I familiarized myself with her background. So while she was lighting candles, I delved into her inner mind and discovered that she came from a broken home, and that she blamed herself for certain things that were beyond her control as a child. I thought I could make her feel better by letting her know it wasn’t her fault that her father ran off like he did. She seemed confused, and I didn’t think she believed me, so I told her a few more things about her life that I thought would convince her that I was only trying to help. That’s when she flew into a rage, started throwing things at me, and called me a few choice names that I don’t care to repeat.” We were finally at the car, and he stopped walking and looked up at me. “Was that wrong of me to do? I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just thought she needed to know the truth so she could move on with her life and be a happier person.”

The look on his face was priceless, such genuine concern that I’d never seen from any human before. I found that I couldn’t turn away from him, and I melted into his gaze. I thought that he was sincerely upset that he might have made the wrong decision to try and help the girl. I grasped his shoulder and smiled at him. “No, Cas, you were honestly trying to help her. You’re probably the first person to show any kind of care towards her. I just don’t think she’s used to people being nice to her … and the fact that you’re a complete stranger, and you told her things about her past that probably no one knows freaked her out. But that was a nice thing you tried to do for her, really nice. I just wish you could have gotten laid,” I added to spark up the mood.

Cas blushed and looked away from me. “I don’t think it would have worked out anyways. I … didn’t feel anything when I was with her.”

“Maybe she just wasn’t your type.”

“Probably,” he said and our eyes met briefly. Then he broke the stare and reached out for the bag concealing his coat.

“I’ve got it,” I said as our hands brushed together. The sensation was static charged and I couldn’t move. Then Cas’ hand roamed up my arm, stopping at my elbow. I could feel my heart speed up to a thousand beats a second. Before I knew what was happening, Cas grabbed the sleeve of my jacket and pulled me towards him. I went voluntarily, captured by his beautiful blue eyes cutting into my soul. Next thing I knew, he threw himself at me and kissed me. Instantly, his tongue was trying to find passage. I let him and kissed him back. It felt so good, so right, so … so—

Reality overcame my sudden lust, and I pushed him away, breaking our contact. I couldn’t do this. He was working his way into my life, making me realize that I could easily fall for him. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let him in, especially knowing there was a definite possibility that he wouldn’t be here tomorrow. I turned from him, unable to look at him now, and stood still as I tried to catch my breath and rid myself of things he was doing to me.

“Dean–” he started, but I put my hand up to stop him. I couldn’t listen to him. I didn’t want to hear his voice. I just needed a moment.

Suddenly, I realized that my heart had leapt out to him. I more than wanted him, like the impulses I’d felt from time to time. There had been more than just attraction in that kiss, something much deeper that I felt all the way into my very soul. I hadn’t experienced this in a very long time, not since … Aiden. I had managed to protect myself by not becoming involved with anyone for more than a night or two. I couldn’t afford to fall for Cas and have my heart broken once more. I might delve into the darkest recesses of my mind again. I’d been there once already, when I lost Aiden, my first love … when I had to kill him because he’d turned vamp. I didn’t think I’d survive another situation like that.

But this was Cas, I told myself. He had been a good friend, a worthy adversary for the past couple years. I knew him better than I ever knew Aiden, and whatever transpired between us just now was much deeper, much more of a bond than anything I’d ever known my whole life … and from just one kiss.

He isn’t even human, said the rational side of my conscience, and he might not survive after tomorrow’s confrontation with the archangel, Raphael. No, I couldn’t attempt this. I couldn’t let Cas in. It was for his good as well as my own.

“You felt it too,” Cas said.

I did, and he knew it. Of course he knew it, but I had to convince him otherwise. “No, I felt nothing.”

“But I’ve sensed your yearning before.”

“Then you got your radio waves crossed or something,” I said with a tinge of anger. “If you felt this way, then why did you let me bring you here tonight?”

“I … I just wanted to … be with you, no matter what we did. If this is to be my last night on earth, I want it to be with you,” he said honestly.

“But I’m a mess, Castiel. You don’t want me. I’m broken.”

“No, Dean, you’re not. You only use that as an excuse,” Cas insisted.

“Bullshit! You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know what it’s like to be afraid of screwing up again,” I yelled to try and get him to understand. “I loved someone once, and the job killed what we had. I won’t make the same mistake twice.” It wasn’t until after the words left my lips that I realized what I was admitting to.

“So, you did feel it,” he said. Then he cocked his head and creased his brows. “Why did you lie? Why are you in denial?”

I couldn’t let him latch onto me like this. I had to toughen up and make him think he was wrong about me. “I felt nothing,” I said, repeating my earlier admittance. “You kissed me, by the way. You initiated it. What’s to say it’s not you who holds all of these feelings, and you’re just trying to trick me.”

“I don’t believe you,” he admitted calmly.

I looked down at the plastic grocery bag, and then shoved it at Cas’ chest. “Take your shit and go, and don’t ever do that again.” I marched over to the driver’s side of my car and opened the door.

“Dean,” he pleaded. “I’m sorry. I … I could have sworn, but … It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“You’re damn right it won’t,” I said angered. Inside I was breaking apart. “I’m going back to the house. I suggest you find somewhere else to stay.”

“What about Raphael?” he asked as I jumped in my car and slammed the door shut. “Will you still help?”

I started the engine and revved it a few times. I placed both hands on the wheel and breathed deep. I shouldn’t help him. I should let him take his own risks, but I found I couldn’t deny him what I’d already promised I’d do. “I’ll meet you at the hospital,” I said without looking at him, and I peeled out, tires screeching and smoking, leaving Cas standing there, holding the bag, so to say.

* * * * *

And that’s the way it happened, how I learned about Cas’ feelings towards me. That’s how I learned that mine towards him were more than fleeting thoughts as I caught him standing with the light cascading over him in just the right position, or watching me from across a room with stunning blue eyes. But it was far from a romance novel, and it would be a very long time before we revisited what we’d started on that night in that dark alley. We eventually moved on after that, reconciled enough to work together against evil. Cas had worked miracles, but he’d also lost his faith in me. I helped him too, and I’m sure I let him down on more than one occasion. We had both lost our way, made poor decisions, and destroyed ourselves. But when all was said and done, we always managed to reunite, if nothing more than friends. It was during all those trials and tribulations that we learned more about each other than we ever could have, had we given in to our attraction that night. In a way, I thought it had to come about in this fashion just because of who we were and what we had to accomplish in this war for humanity. We were two very strong minded people. We fought for what we believed in, even if we didn’t believe in the same things. We both made sacrifices. We’d lost our lives and lost our way, but we never forgot what we meant to each other, or what might possibly develop one day. Cas once said that we shared a more profound bond. He was speaking to my brother during casual conversation, but I’d heard the message, and I understood the meaning. There was no doubt about it. Cas and I were bound to one another, and I had the scar to prove it, the one burned into my flesh when he brought me up from hell. 

As you see, from the beginning of my story, Cas and I worked through all the bullshit. We found a way and we made it happen. And it was the best day of my life, the day we finally admitted our feelings for each other, no more masks, no more hiding. We’ve been together ever since, and we still fight the good fight. I’ll not give up my angel, not now, not to anyone who disapproves. Let them try. They’ll not survive.

Still, I often wondered what would have happened if I had given in to Cas that night. If I’d told him my true feelings, maybe all the bad shit wouldn’t have happened. Maybe all the people who died would still be alive. Maybe Cas wouldn’t be running away from angels bent on taking him back to Heaven. Maybe—

“It wouldn’t have changed any of those things,” Cas said from beside me.

I looked at him, and his eyes were still closed. He hadn’t moved a muscle. “Spying on my thoughts again?”

He smiled and huffed a laugh. “You’re a loud thinker.” He rolled onto his side to face me, but I kept my sight on the ceiling above. “You think that if you didn’t push me away that night in the alley, then all the things that have happened since wouldn’t have come to pass.”

I was silent a moment, but then I nodded. “Yeah,” I admitted.

“You would be wrong,” he said simply.

“You don’t know that,” I argued. “So are you saying you still would have tried to take over heaven, to trade souls from Purgatory with Crowley, and release the Leviathan on earth?”

“Are you saying that you and Sam wouldn’t have started the trials?” he said to try and prove a point. “Granted, there are some things that might not have happened, and some things that should have, but these larger events were beyond our control. I think we were meant to have those experiences. My Father has always had a bigger plan, and I trust that He wouldn’t let us suffer for no good reason.”

“You see, that’s where we are different, Cas. A father should try and protect his son, to keep him out of harm’s way.”

“This coming from the son of one of the greatest hunters, whose father taught you about the nightmares of the world when you should have been living your childhood?” he countered, touching a raw nerve.

“My father taught me to fight because he wanted not only to protect me, but for me to be able to protect myself … and Sam.”

“And my Father let me travel my wayward path to teach me a lesson, one that I might not have learned had I not experienced it firsthand. My point is, Dean, we don’t always do what’s right, and no amount of parenting or love for another can change that. I didn’t do the things I did because I didn’t have you in my life back then. I wasn’t angry that you turned me away or that you wouldn’t confess your feelings for me. In some twisted way, I thought I was helping you, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I was wrong. I made poor decisions, but I only ever did it for you.”

I rolled to my side and faced him. “I know that, Cas,” I smiled reassuringly. “And now we do things together, for each other. Maybe we’ll screw up less as a team.”

“I don’t know,” he said, moving closer to me so that we contoured against each other. “By simple law, we shouldn’t be here like this, me and you, alone and in bed together. To some, it’s a punishable offense. I’d say we haven’t really learned our lesson.”

I caught him beneath the chin with my finger, and pulled his lips to mine. We kissed soft and gentle-like. Then I smiled at him fiendishly. “Me … I’m used to breaking the law. But you … well, I’m just a bad influence on you.”

His hand moved lower, cupping me through my boxers, making me twitch to life. Then he smiled a wicked grin. “Perhaps you are right. So … why don’t you try influencing me some more. I don’t think I’m quite the criminal yet.”

I rolled on top of him and bent down, devouring his mouth, his neck. My hands roamed over his lightly muscled chest, his flat stomach. Then it dipped inside his shorts, finding him ready and more than willing. “You know, Cas, for someone who claims they aren’t an outlaw, you sure have a mighty weapon there.” I licked my lips and moved lower. “Loaded and ready to use.” I pulled his shorts off and got to work.

Cas moaned, “Oh Dean,” as I took him into my mouth. There was something about the sound of his voice when he was in this state of pleasure that was so erotic. He didn’t even have to touch me, just cry out, say my name, and I was on the verge of my own blissful release. But I could tell he wanted something more tonight. This was just the beginning of things to come. Just as the thought crossed my mind, Cas pushed me away and rolled onto his knees. I moved into position and took him to the stars.

Exhausted and spent, we came to rest in our initial places, side by side, facing each other. Only now, his hair was messy and spiked up wildly in the front. His face was flushed with the after effects of our session, and his lips were parted and smiling like a boy who had just lost his virginity. Sometimes I thought that Cas … enjoyed it more. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, but … I don’t know … I think that maybe he interpreted sex much differently than humans. Maybe he was more sensitive to the physical side of it, or perhaps it was only because he was an angel, and they took everything more literally. Whatever it was, I liked watching him afterwards just as much as before and during.

“Feeling convicted yet?” I jostled.

He laughed, still catching his breath and smiling. “The things you do … the way you do them? It should be against the law.”

His comment filled my ego until it was engorged, but I remained humble nonetheless. I laughed and settled into him, returning to the warmth of his body. We remained silent, and my thoughts went back to something he had said. “You know, you said we don’t always do what’s right, but this … right here, right now … this is nothing but right. It’s everyone else that’s wrong, and no one will ever convince me otherwise.”

His face turned towards me, eyes half closed, smile never fading. “And that’s why I waited all those years for you. I knew one day you’d give in to me. I’d felt it from you even when you didn’t know you were emanating such strong emotions. I knew it from the first moment we met. I knew it when we kissed in that alley. I even knew it when we became lost and strayed from each other, and still I waited.” 

“It’s nice to know you did. It’s like knowing that heaven waited for me. Thank you, Cas. Thanks for telling me this,” I confessed. 

“I’ve all the patience in the world for you, Dean. I love you.”

I kissed his forehead and pulled him against me. “I love you too, Castiel. That’ll never change.”


End file.
